Opinions of a murri woman...

Opinions of a murri woman...

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

A not so happy mother's day...

'Where will you be in 5 years from now?

I got asked this question just the other day, and I truthfully could not answer it. I’ve gone through my life so far planning and setting goals for myself, and all except a few, I have achieved. One of my main philosophies in life up until this point has been ‘No Regrets’. No regrets on the things you do, the things you say and on what choices you make day in and day out because what is meant to happen at that very moment in your life and will shape you to be the person who you are and become. Up until now, I have been able to say that I never once had any regrets on what I have done in my life so far, both the good and the bad.

When I was asked where I would be in 5 years, I knew I couldn’t honestly answer that question with a realistic outlook, so instead said, I wasn’t sure. Most people would say it’s a bad thing not to have a plan or not to have anything to work towards, but in my truthful opinion, I can’t give answer right now, because the lesson I have been taught in the past 6 months is, that ANYTHING can happen. Life has a way of twisting and changing when you least expect it. With that in mind, I am now learning to take it one day at a time and know that whatever will be will be.

My biggest regrets have come in the form of my relationships; my relationship with my mother in particular. My mum and I weren’t always close. We fought a lot when I was a teenager and as I read out in front of hundreds of people at her funeral service; my mum and I fought a lot because we were the same. It wasn’t until I left home that I realised this, and my mum and I became closer. Growing up with my mum wasn’t easy. She was known for her fiery temper and could hold a screaming match with me for hours.

My mum had a shocking upbringing (she too lost her mother at a very young age, forcing her to help raise her younger brothers and sisters) and became a mother herself at a young age to my older sister. When she was alive, she would always maintain that she didn’t have a role model of her own to base her parenting skills on, which meant she wasn’t always the best mother to us in her eyes. To me, she wasn't always perfect (who is) but she did the best she could with what she was given and gave us more than a lot of others in the world have.

My biggest regrets are that I only became closer to my mum in the last few years. I always loved her and appreciated her, but not to the extent that I feel I should’ve. I always envisioned my mother growing old and me and my sister fighting over who would take care of her while she bossed us around like an old black lady does with their kids, but instead, I only got to spend 25 short years with her before she passed away at the age of 49.

Four months later and the feelings of grief I have for my mum are still very raw. The days have gotten easier and I can now smile again. The crying when I go to sleep and when I wake has now subsided. Listening to the songs I played at her service or looking at photos has now become easier to do once more. I have comes to terms with the road that I live now and am happy that I am here spending the days and nights growing up my brother and being responsible for him becoming a strong young black man.

With these positives, there are also still moments that creep up on me. Remembering special times with mum and or just missing her wisdom and support will often cause unexpected tears to swell and my heart to once again ache. Although these times are hard, the hardest part is knowing that this part of the process will probably never leave me, and in a way I am glad it won’t because it means she is not forgotten.

I think if anyone knew how long they actually have to spend with their loved ones, they would appreciate them and treat them with the greatest respects every single day. For anyone who has ever lost someone who is close, I don’t think it’s irrational for me to wish that my mother were still here and that I could spend more time with her or tell her that I loved her more. As much as this eats away at me, the reality is, that’s the way it was, that’s the way life played out so far for us. My mother, if she were still here would do it all over again, the good and the bad and I would too. As hard as it is to dwell on regrets, I know there is nothing I could’ve changed, but am so grateful that my mum and I formed a healthy and happy friendship and bond long before she passed and for that, I am forever grateful.

Although she won't be here physically this weekend to celebrate Mothers Day, my brother and me will light a candle and still make the day about our mum... To my beautiful, funny, caring, LOUD, strong, intelligent, outspoken, loving mother, We miss you more than words can say and I cannot wait for the day we meet again... Until then...

One Love, One Life....

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