Opinions of a murri woman...

Opinions of a murri woman...

Friday, November 16, 2012

Change gone come...


It seems like only yesterday that I was faced with the biggest challenge of my life; the sudden death of my mother and then the huge decision to raise my little brother by myself... 

1 year and 11 months have passed since my mother’s death... People I talk to say ‘Wow, has it been almost 2 years already, that’s gone by fast’, but for me it hasn’t... Time has dragged out a painful process, a painful wait, and a few painful life lessons for me to learn in these past few years... It’s gone fast for those who knew my mum, who know me... They say I’ve done a great job and that they’re proud of me for ‘all I’ve sacrificed’ and done for my brother and myself and year I guess I’m proud of myself and then sometimes I think, ‘HOW THE HELL ARE YOU STILL LIVING??’.... 

Death’s a funny thing, it makes you see who the most important people are in your life, it makes you review the direction your going in, makes you question what kind of person you are and where your life is going.... See, for my friends and my family, my mum’s death was sad and tragic, it was a huge loss to them and hard for people to swallow... One minute she was here, and the next she was gone... Their grief and sorrow lasted a while but eventually life goes back to normal, people function again, the hurt starts to heal and life goes on.... For me though, my mother’s death has changed every aspect of my life and nothing has changed for me.... 

I’m not longer a ‘me’... I’m an ‘Us’... Me and my bro... He’s my best friend, my headache, my stress, my world, my joy and the biggest responsibility from now until I die... See the grief and sorrow of my mother’s death didn’t just go away, 1 year and 11 months later and I am still faced with her loss everyday... Her departure from this planet meant a brand new life for me... One that I don’t regret but one that I still do not understand... The realities of her death face me every day and have done for almost 2years and continue to do so... 

People say I’m a strong woman but to tell the truth, I’m the weakest I’ve ever been... I don’t feel like I’ve progressed in my life in this past 2 years unlike those around me... My friends and family all have great jobs, direction, goals, compared to me who has been stuck in this life that I wasn’t expecting... How do you get out of such a rut and continue to smile and live everyday... Well the answer is sometimes I just didn’t... Not having a job and not working because you live in a rural town where your industry and jobs in general are limited does something to your spirit... I’m not used to doing nothing, I’m used to succeeding, having a purpose, achieving goals... I’m not used to sitting around wondering when and how I can escape this overwhelmingly suffocating space and situation... 

To this day, I haven’t received one piece of counseling or one bit of doctor’s advice about the struggles I face on a daily basis... Yeah I’ve talked to my friends and a few family members, but at the end of the day, it’s me who deals with my situation every single day and it’s only me who can deal with it so why burden someone else who can’t REALLY help me... The help I need is a change of situation, a change of scenery, a job, a new start and a fresh mind... 

In a dark room, in my bed a month ago, I laid there and sobbed my heart out for 2 whole days... I didn’t function, didn’t eat, didn’t get out of bed and couldn’t for the life of me bring myself to stop crying... Chronic depression had a grip on me and the build up of the last two years and the constant feelings of being trapped in this life that isn’t going anywhere finally got to me... See, it’s been a roller coaster of emotions, one day I will be fine and then BOOM, something sets it off and it feels like the whole world is on my shoulders... I’ve never dealt with this kind of depression, this level of darkness, so when I go down, I GO DOWN!! On that dark day in my dark room, I pleaded and begged for a change and knew that this was the very bottom, this is where things have to change... 

The day that I’ve been waiting on for the past 2 years is almost upon me... When the tears dried, my head cleared and options from generous family and friends were thrown at me, I decided to take one and make the decision to move my brother and I to Brisbane in the New Year... A goal, a direction, that’s all I’ve wanted in this past year, and I’ve finally got a plan into place... All I had to do was ask.... I had to do it, because I could feel my state of mind slowly slipping away from me and felt if I stayed here any longer that I'd be no good for myself and therefore no good for my brother.... Change gone come and it had too...

The plan has flaws, and will no doubt change but getting out of this town and away from this stand still life is the first priority and I’m hoping once I make that change, the universe will be good to me and everything else will fall into place easier... 

I’ve spent the last month packing and sorting our stuff... Even after 2 years, my mum’s belongings just never seem to end... I’m packing up, selling everything and moving with only a few boxes and my bro and dog and we’re getting outta here... Luckily I have the love and support of my beautiful Aunty who has been generous enough to let us stay with her till I hopefully find a job and get on my feet in the following months of moving down... 

As I said, it’s the people who go out of their way to help lift or carry the burden or do the smallest of things to help ease the struggle that makes all the difference in my life... Those that don’t, well you know where you stand... So for that Aunty Wen, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, you will never know the level of gratitude I will have for you for changing our lives and taking 2 years worth of struggle off my back... I cannot wait to spend time with you in a matter of weeks... 

It hasn’t really sunk in that this part of my life is coming to an end that I’ll be leaving my home town and having no home to come back too once I leave... Before mum passed, home was always here and I always had a base... Once I leave, that feeling of security will be gone and it’ll be all on me... Living on our traditional country and leaving it will be hard, that connection is always so strong and something I long for when I'm away but something I know that will always be here for me and my brother to return too... 

This house that my mum took her last breath in, that my cousins and I all grew up in will no longer be ours and the memories will fade, just like the grief... But I know in my hearts of hearts that the timing is right and that my mum, if she were alive, would never want to see me laying in my bed everyday drowning in my own sorrow because I feel trapped... I know she would wish for me every opportunity, every bit of sunshine and happiness and although this place is home, it will always be here for us to come back and visit, but for now, it’s time to change my life along with my brother’s... 

My brother is excited and secretly nervous about moving from the only life he’s ever known, to the city life, but I know he’ll adjust and be fine once he settles in and makes friends... He’ll miss the Murri way of life here in North Queensland, he’ll miss going fishing and swimming in our fresh water creeks surrounded by rainforest, and the memories he has of growing up here with our mum and family, but he’ll also cherish the new memories we will make together as brother and sister/guardian and teenager...

With every negative there is a positive, and out of all the shit I’ve had to injure this past 2 years, I’m ready to get back to living instead of just existing... 2013, I can’t wait to meet you with a fresh mind and an open heart... Bring it on....

Until then, 

One life, One Love

Cee x

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